Pacman down skeezin’ on dem whitecakes when dat Firebox from da corner office tell him shit be back on.

OH YEAH, SHIT BE BACK ON.

We gon shine. We gon take dat shit and we gon make it FLOOD. We gon make a MONPOON. We gon take dem fisty girlz and stick it up in dat azz loco-style. AIN’T NOBODY GON LEAVE DA PARTY TILL ALL DAT AZZ BE DRAINED.

And we gon drank. HAY-ULLS YEAH, WE GON DRANK. We gon chomp dem power dots and chase dem ghosts till dat Blinky stop dat blinkin’. We gon ABABABABABABA till we come out da otha side of dat azz. Shit be smokin’ round the rim when we break that shit off. Den we gon light up like Level 5.

AIN’T NOBODY GON KEEP US FROM FISHIN’ ON DAT PUSSYDOCK CAUSE WE GOT DA RODZ. PACMAN DOWN WIT IT. HE GOT DA DONGBAIT TO MAKE DEM CHERRIES BOUNCE ALL NIGHT LONG.

HOUSE THAT SHIT.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Okay Chad, here’s your room.




Ocho: Got it, got it. Thanks, coach.

Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.

Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?

Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.

Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.

Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.

Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.

Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.

Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.

Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.

Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?

Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.

Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.

Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.

Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?

Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…

Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?

Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.

Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…

Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.

Ocho: Or Fire Water…

Marvin: That’s a liqueur.

Ocho: Or Waterworld…

Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…

Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?

Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.

Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.

Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.

Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?

Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.

Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?

Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.

Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.

(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)

Here. Here’s some sink water.

Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

Nike knew L.T.’s dull-ass kicks weren’t going to sell themselves. Here we see him training with Elite XC’s Kimbo Slice. Tomlinson looks a lot tougher here than when we last saw him hiding out on the Charger bench still wearing his helmet while his team’s season crashed and burned. Is there a slightly racist homespun training regimen that Kimbo can devise to help us forget about that?

Due to multiple annoying circumstances, I only just now got around to cramming for the two fantasy drafts I have next week. And after pouring through various annuals, all of which are now dated, trolling the Fantasy Football Café forums (Sample forum topic title: “SELVIN YOUNG???????”), and listening to any number of annoying podcasts (ever hear ESPN’s Fantasy Focus podcast? Don’t.), I have come to one startling conclusion about the players in this year’s draft:

I hate them all.

Apart from Tomlinson, every player here that positively bursts with the potential to fuck you raw. The list of players that shat their pants last year is incredibly robust: Bulger, LJ, Rudi, FUCKING LEE EVANS. Oh, how I loooooathe you, Lee Evans. You eat shit, young man. EAT A POUND OF SHIT.

Usually, any given year, you look at the list of players and, for no rational reason, a few guys look appealing. “Ooooh, Josh Reed! I bet he’ll be AWESOME!” But this year, I look and I just want to fall off a ledge. Earnest Graham? Really? I have to consider that asshole? Jesus.

With that in mind, here are eleven players that I just know, in my heart of hearts, will manage to screw me whether I draft them or not.

Peyton Manning: If this really is the year that both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning miss significant time with injury (fingers crossed!), it’s not gonna be nice and cut-and-dried. No, both of these assholes will invariably gut it out, staggering onto the field for every game, and calling 500 surprise draws on 3rd and goal from the four yard line. Then you’ll see headlines like “MANNING THROWS FOR 90 YARDS AND 1 INT IN BRAVE DISPLAY OF LEADERSHIP”. But you can’t NOT start Manning. He’s Manning! ARRRGGHHHH I hate that shit.

Ben Roethlisberger: Did he really throw 32 TD’s last year? I’m shocked he threw 32 TIMES. That’s not happening again. OR IS IT? See? I‘m annoyed already.

Brian Westbrook: “Hi! Just to let you know, I’m going to spend all my time this year being downgraded from Questionable to Doubtful on Saturday, only to run and catch for 100 yards each the next day! Then, the next week, I’ll find a new, hidden, surprise nagging injury that really will keep me out, even though it’s the one week I’m not on the injury report!” Fuck you, you bastard. I’ve never met anyone from Villanofun worth liking.

Frank Gore: With Mike Martz in town, you two get to be overrated together! I’m also excited about the prospect of Deshaun Foster spelling Gore for a series or two for no real reason, at which point I’ll shout out, “Hey, the fuck is Foster doing there?” No one fucks a backfield quite like that guy.

Ryan Grant: Much as I loathe Brett Favre, the prospect of every Green Bay skill position player turning to complete shit in the wake of his departure seems all too likely. YAY.

Greg Jennings: Ditto.

Michael Turner: I had Jerious Norwood in a keeper league last year. He ran for six yards every time he touched the ball. His reward for being productive was about 2 goddamn carries a game. And now here comes Turner to be the man in that offense. But I guarantee you: Mike Smith can’t be any dumber of a coach than Bobby Crackerbumfuck. Norwood will get on the field just enough to make you blind with hate towards all parties involved.

The Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams Miami Shitpie

Jonathan Stewart: I’m telling you, whichever rookie back you draft will end up being the wrong rookie. Just look at the underachieving asshole Stewart is gonna replace. DEANGELO WILLIAMS, YOU ARE A FESTERING, PUS-OOZING WASTE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL.

Braylon Edwards: If you owned Edwards BEFORE last season, as I once did, you know he was about as consistent as my urine stream. And I’m telling you, there is NO reason he can’t turn around and go right back to Shitland again. Especially if Mr. Black Tights has to take over for Horsie Balls at the signal calling duties. Top 3 receiver, my ass.

These are but 11 players. There are just so many more out there, waiting to bend you over and take a guitar neck to your cornhole. Old fuckers like Edgerrin James. Young fuckers who will probably never end up doing anything like Chris Johnson. The myriad number of ways they can ruin your shit has no ceiling. Purple Jesus alone has about 75 potential ways to destroy your weekend.

They could show just enough brilliance to give you a false sense of confidence. They could get injured during the playoffs. They could shit in hampers. You just never know.

Thank God fantasy football is back.

My online sportsbook of choice, Bodog Life, is known for some of their rather unusual prop and future bets. Now I’ve made no secret of my fondness for wagering on American Idol results, and any other stupid shit that can make daily life more entertaining and profitable. So when I learned that Bodog was offering odds on the first NFL player to wind up in cuffs this season I was intrigued. Then I looked at their list, a list that fails to include even one token white guy! Apparently Bodog feels that the only guys worth mentioning in the same sentence as “NFL player arrested” are black, and some of them don’t even make the slightest bit of sense.

Chris Henry, Bengals: 4/6

Well yeah, obviously. If we were just betting on whether a player would get busted or not in the next year I’d be all over this, but if it’s just the first guy to get arrested then I’ll need some better odds.

Pacman Jones, Cowboys: 1/1

Fair enough, but again, the odds are a joke.

Tank Johnson, Cowboys: 2/1

Shit, Tank lives in Texas now. If he gets caught with another cache of handguns and assault rifles he’s going to be nominated for a seat on the state senate. Of course there’s still a decent chance he could get pulled over for driving while black again, but they can’t actually charge him with that (outside of Mississippi).

Ray Lewis, Ravens: 5/1

Ever since Ray watched his buddies kill that guy and got caught obstructing justice he’s been a model citizen. Thanks, Jesus!

Steve Smith, Panthers: 5/1

As far as I know, Steve Smith has never been convicted of any sort of crime (and no, punching a teammate in practice is not going to get you arrested any time soon). What I do know (thanks Wiki!) is that he was raised by his mother, a drug counselor who taught him to stay away from that shit. As an adult he’s been a dedicated family man who has partnered with fellow Carolinians Dell Curry and Jay Bilas to form Athletes United for Youth. Oh, and most recently he began interning at Morgan Stanley’s Charlotte branch. HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

Kellen Winslow, Browns: 6/1

Kellen’s record is cleaner than Brady Quinn’s jersey, and if being a douchebag was an arrestable offense in Ohio the whole state would be be on lockdown.

Randy Moss, Patriots: 10/1

Sure, Randy has had some off-field issues in the past, but what jury would ever convict a guy of bumping a traffic cop or getting blazed “once in a blue moon?” Besides, as long as he’s playing in New England nobody’s gonna fuck with him. Unless of course he has a bad game, in which case Tommy’s buddies on the force will waste little time planting crack all over his person.

Ricky Williams, Dolphins: 15/1

Seriously, leave the poor fucking guy alone. Ricky’s never been behind bars because there ain’t shit wrong with a little bit (or a lot) of weed. Ricky, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (like half of the blogosphere), once told ESPN that, “Marijuana is 10 times better for me than Paxil.” Frankly he must have been high when he said that, because marijuana is at least 100,000 times better than Paxil. Sure one gives you the munchies and cotton mouth, but the other one makes you fat and impotent. If anybody should be arrested it’s those cockbags in the pharmaceutical industry (except for whoever developed Xanax, that shit’s alright).

So who does belong on this list with guys like Henry and Pacman? Chris Mottram at the Sporting Blog lobbies for the inclusion of master drunk driver Jared Allen and cokehead Matt Jones, but why stop there? Surely there are more white guys worthy of inclusion on such a list, not to mention all of those mysterious Samoans.

Please include your picks for players (of any race) most likely to get arrested in the comment section.

Oh, and Dennis Northcutt is officially off the board.

But what if you combined crackers AND soup?

What flubby’s Sunday funny missed in its NFL commercial breakdown was the preponderance of Chunky Soup ads readying to bombard our sets during the bullshit TV timeouts between a kick return and the start of an offensive series. Sure, it’s soup that eats like a meal, but only if that meal is served in a prison mess hall.

Unlike Kirk Van Houten’s cracker company, Campbell Soup has seen fit to abandon the family market and target middle-aged single guys. So they ditched Momma McNabb and (I guess) Casey Hampton’s mom in favor of LaDainian Tomlinson’s helmet cam. Because nothing makes me hungry for soup like intercutting shots up a running back’s nose with flashes of Norv Turner.

You Been Blinded provides footage of LDT’s Blair Witch-esque making-of video.

LaKneeInjury, ever the student of history, is mindful but unconcerned with the Chunky Soup Curse. You as fantasy owners should not be so foolhardy.

/attempting to coax other owners to let him fall to pick no. 6.

NOTE: Before reading the entirety of this post, please understand that there are some slightly NSFW-ish images that follow. Are they good or bad NSFW? Both? Only one way to find out, bitches!

Read the rest of this entry »

The best division in football, right up until Donovan McNabb gets hurt, Eli Manning returns to mediocrity, Jon Jansen gets Jason Campbell killed, and the Dallas Cowboys are smote by a just God.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

A Few Fast Facts About the Redskins
- Right now Sean Taylor’s killer is being brutally raped. And if he isn’t, he certainly should be.
- Redskins fans have been so used to Joe Gibbs and his penchant for deflecting criticism from his players that Jim Zorn’s willingness to criticize rookies for being out of shape and call his offensive line’s performance “soft” has everybody in a tizzy. It’s going to take a while to get used to a coach who doesn’t run his team like a sermonizing grandfather who thinks everybody is fucking blind.
- Contrary to unpopular belief, Chief Zee doesn’t wear “red-face”.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: Over. Sure they’re coming off of a 47-3 loss that had me screaming like Buzz Bissinger on a PCP bender, but hey, it’s just the pre-season, right? right?!?! FUCK ME LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL! GOD DAMN IT REED DOUGHTY, IF YOU COULD HEAR YOU MIGHT NOTICE THE WIDE RECEIVERS TRAMPLING PAST YOU! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR LINE LOOK LIKE THEY’RE WEARING FUCKING ROLLER SKATES?! So yeah, Super Bowl or bust!

NEW YORK GIANTS

A Few Fast Facts About the Giants
- Kate Mara never thought she’d miss Jeremy Shockey’s constant attempts to shove his hand down her pants, but she totally does.
- Michael Strahan won’t really come back for $8 million and “a few kind words,” but if you throw in an enema administered by his ex-wife’s sister then you might have yourself a deal.
- David Tyree is from Montclair, New Jersey, otherwise known as the home of one Peter King. Also, he’s still not a very good football player.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Osi’s done for the year, Strahan isn’t coming back, and the secondary blows without a pass rush. But hey, at least they have Eli and his equally unstoppable Citizen EcoDrive. They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.

DALLAS COWBOYS

A Few Fast Facts About the Cowboys
- Roy Williams is actually worse than Reed Doughty.
- Tony Romo finds himself more and more intellectually stimulated by Jessica Simpson every day. Just another example of how spending time in Dallas will make you dumber.
- Wade Phillips is intent on teaching Adam Jones how to be a good teammate. In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: Over. Yeah, I guess they’re pretty good. But they’ll figure out a fun new way to fuck up the playoffs.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

A Few Fast Facts About the Eagles
- The Reid family went with Mormonism because they thought Christian Scientists had too many pesky rules. Apparently praying to Jesus to get you high doesn’t work nearly as well as a few fistfuls of Vicodin with an OxyContin chaser.
- Donovan McNabb finds Jimmy Rollins’ ideas intriguing and he’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.
- DeSean Jackson is like Usain Bolt without the size, strength, precision, and speed. But he’s still going to fuck up everybody’s shit.
- Everyone knows that Brian Westbrook is versatile, but did you know that he once fucked his girlfriend in ten different positions in one night? While he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Andy Reid will finally throw Donovan McNabb under the bus, and Brian Westbrook will realize that there’s no real point in trying anymore.

At last, head fieldmaster “Gentleman” Mike Nolan has named me, J.T. of the family O’Sullivan, the starting quartered-back of the San Francisco Footballing Fourtyniners. No doubt that he was swayed by the best slugging arm this side of the Northwest Territory.

Top of the world, ma!

Blithely and skillfully did I upend the inimical roustabout Alex Smith from his prized station. Having weathered a few haymakers, some more pepperpots and the old calaboose did the lumbering giant go down, rendering him a pile of bustable materials. Back to the train yards with you, good sir.

Now quartered-backing is the bailiwick of J.T. O’Sullivan. I am proven suitable at commanding a squad of able-bodied marauders. Together we will sock our opponents in the area of their visage until such point that their verticality is compromised.

Ho!

My boisterous nature got the better of me, as it is wont to do. The scourge of vainglory is known to inflict men of great stature ever and anon, and inflict it has this great O’Sullivan. These bouts are often cured by beating myself about the face. In fact, let me quell this on the spot.

And… wait, whoa there!

You, halfbacking fellow, why do you appear beset by panic? What news this day?

The opposing teams have been permitted to wear masks of metal over their facial areas? How then are the haymakers to connect? This bedeviling product of flimflammery has thrown the proverbial pandawrench into the gears of the great footballing machine! This age of industry is not the great boon that the newspapers say.

No matter. Haymakers will be thrown. The scion of industry will be bested, along with the foes of the Fourtyniners. No obstacle will stop us from traversing long units of measurement en route to pummeling their offspring and womenfolk.

Ah, there is the vainglory again. We must remedy this at once!

And one aaand -

Ouf.

Aaaaaahhhhhhh